I'm going to summarize my summer so far in three words.

WORST. SUMMER. EVER!!!!

It really can't get much worse than this.

Everything has fallen apart since the last day of school. Actually, correction. Everything fell apart that day when I made probably the biggest mistake of my life(or at least my highschool career).

Why the hell couldn't I keep my mouth shut. If I had done that, I wouldn't be in this mess right now, and everything would be hunky-dorey.
But no, it isn't that way. Life isn't perfect. It was, but then I made that ridiculous mistake, and I'm kicking myself for it. Hard. If I could, I would take it all back. Or at least go back to that one day and duct tape my mouth shut or something. But that's not possible, because I can't time travel. And I'm beating myself up big time.

I had everything I wanted, and even though it didn't feel right at the time, it was the way it was supposed to be. I had a best friend, that would listen to me and give me feedback regardless of the situation and stand by my side. I could joke around with him, I could shove him and I would get shoved back, but I would be laughing the entire time. And we could talk freely.

But now, all that is gone, and it's all my fault.

And I'll regret it forever.

And the only hope I have is that he'll see how much I hate what I did, see how much I'm beating myself up for it, and see that I'm so sorry for making those mistakes.



I don't know what the future has in store, but until then, I'll just sit and wait.

Wait in the rain
In the mud
In the hail
In the thunder
In the lightning
In the wind
In the sleet
In the snow
In the cold
Forever if I have to.
Just waiting for things to be the way they used to be.
No matter how long it takes.
For this to be right again.
Just like it used to be.




Since that day, I feel like I lost who I am. I've lost my courage, lost my sanity. Every day is costing me my life, every second it ticks by.


And don't even get me started on my family. They don't listen, they just judge. They tell me I was wrong. They bash my old best friend, like he's the villain, but I know they're wrong, because it's all my mistake. And as I listen to what they say, I'm burning inside, the rage boiling. I know someday soon, it will reach its peak and blow. I fear that day, because I know that I'll be forced to run. Or hide away.

They don't understand how much pain I'm in. They don't realize that everything they say is a block (grain if you will) of salt in my wound. Each word is a dagger, piercing me through the heart. Each syllable a kick in my side. Each letter is a punch in my gut.


I know I can't solve this alone. But what choice do I have. My family won't help me, they just think I'm wrong. And everytime I get upset, they just laugh at me. Some of my friends act like it's the biggest joke. Well, I've got something to say to you guys. When you're falling and falling, and can't seem to get back up, THEN you'll know how I feel, THEN you can laugh. But you won't be able to because you're in so much pain. And when you feel like I'm feeling right now, THEN you can come to me and laugh in my face.


I can't fix my mistake, and I don't know why. I guess the damage is irreparable, impossible to mend. But I'll still wait, in the hopes that I'll see and be with him again.